Working with Parents Series: Part 2 – The 2 Most Asked Questions from Clinicians
I’m back with the second edition of my Working with Parents series.
(FYI: I will use “parent” to represent any caregiver caring for your client. I also work with children and teens, so those terms may be used interchangeably throughout this series.)
If you missed the first post, where I talked about why I love working with the parents of my child and teen clients, you can find it here.
Today, I want to talk about the two questions I am asked most often by clinicians working with children and teens:
“When do I meet with a parent?”
—and—
“How often should I meet with a parent?”
What’s Your Why
Before we talk about what you should be doing, I want to ask you why you are doing it. What is the purpose of meeting with parents? Will the meeting enhance your client’s progress?
When I meet with a parent, it is usually:
To gather information and history
To teach a skill
To coach them in real-life situations related to struggles with their child
To offer space for play with their child
To offer safety in connection with their child
To create safety in communicating needs (either the parent’s or the child/teen’s)
To create moments of joy
So many of our families are in the thick of chaos and dysfunction. Rarely are they experiencing joy together.
Frequency matters…
The frequency with which you meet separately with a parent—or together with the child/teen—will depend on the needs of that system. It will depend on the child or teen’s needs, the parent’s needs, and the overall capacity of the family system.
What do I mean by capacity?
Some parents are already overburdened and unable to hold space for the work that needs to happen within the dyad or family system. They may first need one-on-one time with you to help plant the seed and create safety within the therapeutic process.
Sometimes too many painful moments have occurred, and we need to focus first on stabilizing the symptoms our client is experiencing before bridging the gap between parent and child. This is especially important when there are safety concerns such as self-harm, suicidality, or abuse.
My general rule is to always begin with a parent-only intake session.
This provides a safe space to gather as much history as possible without the child or teen having to sit and absorb all of the painful or negative experiences being discussed. It also helps prevent feelings of shame in front of a therapist they have never met, which may interfere with trust and connection.
A parent-only intake also provides space for me to assess the parent’s history—even their own childhood experiences. Yes, I go back really far! I want to know about abuse, divorce, conflict, relational struggles, and the parent’s relationship with their own caregivers while growing up.
I’ve completed a parent intake, now what?
Once I have completed the parent intake, I then meet with the child or teen individually. Following that meeting, I will often schedule a dyadic assessment.
This gem was added to my practice following my training in TraumaPlay Institute’s TraumaPlay™ model. It is such a valuable tool for gathering information about how the parent and child interact, set limits, experience joy, and play together.
After these first few weeks of sessions, I begin planning treatment and determining how much parent involvement this family may need.
There are some children and teens for whom I meet minimally with the parent. In those cases, the primary focus may simply be gathering information and providing monthly or bi-monthly updates on progress.
I also have clients whose parents I may bring into the playroom only sporadically, so I keep them nearby in the waiting area and ready if needed.
Other families require more intensive support. I have worked with clients where I met with the child once per week and the parent once per week due to high levels of frustration, conflict, or risk. I have also alternated sessions—meeting with the child one week and the parent the next—as we build skills before eventually integrating parent-child sessions for live coaching and support once the parent feels “safe enough” to join the process.
Should I approach this the same way with all parents?
There are situations where I do not bring a parent into sessions with the child or teen due to safety concerns. These may be parents who are not open to changing their approach or who are struggling with mental health concerns that interfere with their ability to engage safely in the work needed to support their child or teen.
In these situations, I assess the level of emotional safety in the interactions and the parent’s openness during our one-on-one sessions. You will learn to recognize when a parent is “safe enough” to enter the therapeutic space with their child. Trust your clinical judgment—and if you are still building confidence in this area, consult with someone you trust.
OK—I think I’ve shared everything I wanted to say about those two questions.
I’ll be back in a few weeks to share more about working with the parents of child and teen clients. In the meantime, if you have questions about this unique work—or other clinical topics—leave a comment below, and I may include your question in a future post.
If you read this and are wishing you had more support in this area, I have both individual and group supervision and consultation options. Just click here to find out how to connect.
From my playroom to yours,
Dayna